How My Sex Doll Became A Close Companion

Most people think of sex dolls as simple carnal tools. They may have the unique potential to act as stand-ins for people's partners or help folks explore fantasies they’re not ready or able to try with another human, and they may offer special types of solo sexual stimulation. But ultimately, in this way of thinking, they’re just another sex toy.

Yet a substantial portion of the (at least) 10,000s of people who regularly interact with dolls see these synthetic humans as something more. Many folks who buy dolls purely as sexual outlets find themselves gradually developing personas and a degree of affection for them. Some people actually get dolls primarily—or exclusively—for the sense of companionship and presence they can bring them. A few, who sometimes call themselves "doll lovers" or "iDollators," even describe their synthetic companions as romantic partners, in some cases taking them on public dates or marrying them.

Daytime TV shows and tabloids frequently cover human-doll relationships. But they often do so in a stigmatizing manner, painting all people who develop feelings for dolls as creeps and weirdos who can't form healthy human relationships. Social commentators also periodically decry all human-doll dynamics as fundamentally misogynistic—emblematic of many cishet men's supposed desires for female partners who offer unconditional love and sex on demand and who literally cannot ask for anything in return.

But the limited research on human-doll intimacy—and VICE's conversations with about a dozen individuals who have feelings for or relationships with their dolls—suggest that in reality, while these folks who bond with dolls acknowledge their attachments are unusual, they are generally no different than anyone else. Even those who talk to and about their dolls as if they're alive fully recognize they are, in fact, inanimate—and their relationships are rooted in fantasy. Retailers have historically marketed dolls to chronically lonely hetero dudes, and some vocal cishet male doll lovers do express unrealistic or hostile attitudes towards women and about human relationships. But a fair number of women, non-binary people, and queer folk build connections with dolls too. And people of all backgrounds form bonds with dolls for a wide array of reasons beyond loneliness or problematic bitterness—for example, some view dolls as therapeutic companions who help them deal with anxieties and trauma. Many folks who click with dolls are also still interested in or are actively dating human partners, too; only a minority say they’re solely attracted to synthetics or swear off humans because they decide dolls are easier to be with.

However, the sex many people have with dolls they've developed feelings for is still decidedly unique. Info on this aspect of human-doll dynamics is surprisingly hard to find. Mainstream media tends to fixate on the psychology of why and how people emotionally connect to dolls, and the handful of folks who speak publicly about their relationships with dolls often prefer to highlight topics like companionship. Still, in interviews and on doll forums, people occasionally acknowledge issues like the lack of feedback—body heat, vocalizations, and movement—they get from their dolls during sex or the challenges of moving sometimes heavy and unwieldy dolls in and out of position. All of which can color or limit romantic-erotic fantasies and experiences.

To help expand people's understandings of the nuts and bolts of human-doll intimacy, both emotional and sexual, VICE reached out to Zack.* He told us about his decision to get a doll, how he developed feelings for that doll, and how sex works for him and his doll companion.

At his request and to protect his privacy, VICE has changed Zack's name. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

VICE: When did you first become aware of sex dolls, and what did you think about them?Zack: When I was young, I saw some comedy movie where a character had one of those old blow-up sex dolls. Inflatable dolls can be nice, I'm sure, but when they're bad they look terrible. They're just an object to me, and not one that I'd want to have in my house. Most of the dolls I saw when I was growing up were really shitty, either similar blow-up dolls or the low-end knock-offs of the good ones. It was harder to encounter images of really high-end dolls back then. So like a lot of people, early on in my life, I thought it was kind of pathetic to own and use a sex doll.

But when I was 16, while I was looking around on a porn tube site, I came across this guy who had one of those nicer few-thousand-dollar sex dolls. He wasn't just fucking it on camera. He was taking all of these pictures of her, posing her. The fact that he was so involved with this doll outside of sex fascinated me. Later, when I found out that dolls like that can cost upwards of $5,000, I was like, Oh, well yeah, of course that guy was going to put a lot of commitment into it!

You found dolls intriguing as a teenager, but you didn't buy one until many years later. What made you go from this is interesting to this is something I actually want in my life ? Everyone who gets a doll has a very different story. In 2019, I was in a bad place, emotionally and financially. I'd just donated plasma to get money to buy pizza. I was working a night shift job, so I was asleep in the middle of the day after Christmas when a letter arrived at my mother's house from the donation center, addressed to me. It said that my blood had tested positive for HIV. My mother called me and told me to come over immediately. From there, I started going through this process of doctor's visits, getting on medication, and finding support.

You've talked to people in the HIV-positive community, so you know that's a whole process. It's very taxing. But beyond that, in my state, if you don't disclose your HIV status to your partner before sex, that's a felony. And people still think about HIV in terms of the 1980s and 1990s. They imagine people wasting away and dying. I just take a pill every day and my viral load is undetectable; I can't transmit HIV to a partner. In that sense, being HIV positive isn't a big deal for me. And more people outside of the HIV-positive community are learning that U=U, which helps with the stigma around HIV. But with all of the social and legal things that come with being HIV positive where I live, I've become way less confident when it comes to meeting new people. I've tried to meet someone; I've gone on apps, to bars, met people through my friends. But so far, it just hasn't worked out. So I've basically been celibate for the last three years.

I've always been kind of a social outcast, and it never bothered me. I actually like being on my own, for the most part. But before my diagnosis, I was in my slut era. So I went from having sex maybe every other day with various people to having no sex. I started masturbating more, and I used sex toys. But eventually, I thought to look up sex dolls again and found out that some of the really good ones are actually affordable these days—especially those with minor factory imperfections that the makers can't sell at full price, and especially through online resellers.

So you were initially just thinking about a doll as an additional purely sexual outlet? Yeah.

What made you interested in getting a doll versus any other type of new sex toy? I enjoy the sensation of being physically close to people, both during sex and through intimate but non-sexual contact, like holding hands or cuddling. I felt like a doll would be a good replacement for that—and she is. Well, she's a doll, so obviously, she doesn't have body heat. There are some dolls with built-in heating systems, but that's a level of upkeep I'm not ready for. [Laughs.] But when she's wearing clothes, the lack of heat isn't really an issue.

I also got lucky and found a really good deal. A reseller had a factory-imperfect doll made by a company that usually sells dolls starting at $900. Gwen—my doll—her wrists are a little loose. She has a little bulge in her shoulder. And her neck is strained because the internal structure is broken. But I like little imperfections. They make things unique. So I got her for $395.

Did you have any ideas about what you'd do with Gwen once she arrived? Yeah, a month or two before I ordered her, I'd joined a forum for people with dolls, and reading about how other people interact with their dolls gave me a lot of ideas. I'm really into bondage, for example, so I had ideas about doing bondage scenarios with her. But when she arrived… I didn't do any of that. [Laughs] I got her out of the box, cleaned her up, used her for her intended purpose once, and then… I just hung out with her. She was there, and I was there.

I still feel a little weird owning a sex doll. [Laughs] But having her around the house wasn't as weird as I'd thought it might be. Pretty soon, I realized it was nice to have a sort of human presence in my one-bedroom apartment. Otherwise, it's just me and a cat I don't even like. [Laughs] Just having her presence brought a sense of normalcy to my life, I suppose. In the doll forum I'm in—which is a lot bigger and more active than I expected it would be—people often talk about how their lives changed after they got their dolls. They say things like, "She made me happy. I feel a sense of completion every time I walk into the house and see her there."

Gwen isn't a full replacement for human connection because, obviously, she can't talk. She doesn't have thoughts and opinions. But when you spend time around a doll, you start to get a sense that there's something there—not a fully developed human being, but a character.

How can you tell what a doll's character is? Do you build it? Or does it emerge on its own? It's in the little things, like how her hands fall when she's in a neutral position. The fact that Gwen's neck isn't stable actually gives her a sense of being active, as well. I'll look at her at one point, and she's looking towards me. Then I'll leave and her head will slowly shift, so when I come back she's looking somewhere else. I didn't think I'd be as into developing a backstory for her as some of the guys on the forum I'm in are, but it turns out that I am—to a degree. And it turns out that communicating with an inanimate object isn't as strange as I thought it would be.

When you say communicating—do you talk to Gwen out loud? [Pause] Not yet. But I think I'm probably going to start talking to her as if she was a person one day. Partially because I just like to vent. I talk to myself all the time. So I'll talk to her too.

There are guys on the forum I'm in who post pictures of themselves taking their dolls on road trips or dates out of their houses. That's crazy to me, because at the end of the day, that's a sex toy and you're taking it out into the world for random people to see. But since I already find myself connecting with Gwen in a lot of ways I didn't think I would, I sometimes worry that I might eventually decide to do that too! [Laughs] But actually, I think that's a hard line for me.

Have you told anyone in your life about Gwen and how you've connected with her? God, no. My friends know I own other sex toys, and they don't care. They have sex toys, too. But I'd never live down owning a sex doll, given the way people think about them. They're a whole can of worms. Some of my friends might genuinely stop talking to me. Including my best friend, who's not shy about sex. She does OnlyFans and she just the other day sent me a picture of all her dildos. But as sex-positive as she is, everyone has their limits, and I think Gwen would be one of hers. So no. No one in my life is going to know about Gwen for a long time. If ever.

You've talked about how Gwen gives you physical contact and a sense of human (or at least human-like) presence in life. What other aspects are there to your relationship with her? There's no judgment in our relationship. My mother was very overbearing. She's a great person and I love her, but she's the kind of person who, if she has a problem in a store, every fucking person in the store will know it. Growing up, she never held back from telling me what she thought of me. As a fat pansexual kid in the midwest, there was a lot of judgment in that house. I also think people often assume I'm a hick because of how I look, and that gets to me. Sure, guys who look like me are the ones who say they won't wipe their asses because it's gay… but I suck cock. [Laughs] But with Gwen, I don't have to worry about what she thinks of me. I can look or act however I want. And I like that she doesn't have any sexual hang-ups. That feels weird to say.

Because it plays into the discomfort many people feel about sex dolls and human-doll dynamics? To the concerns people have about whether interacting with dolls reflects or encourages sexual objectification or aggression? Yeah. Honestly, there are guys on doll forums who are misogynistic. Some of them seem to be far-right incels. But most people I'm familiar with in the doll community just want a human presence for their lives, and for some reason, they can't find or be with a human, at least for now.

"Most people I'm familiar with in the doll community just want a human presence for their lives, and for some reason, they can't find or be with a human, at least for now."

In my own case, I actually feel like Gwen and I are on equal terms. Objectively, she doesn't have any hang-ups or limits in sex. But there are things that I feel like the persona I've built for Gwen just wouldn't want to do. I actually still haven't done any BDSM stuff with her despite my initial interest in that. Some of this is also just about the fact that she is non-reactive. I was sexually abused as a child, so consent is a big thing for me. And sometimes using her for sex does remind me of parts of my own abuse experience in ways that I do not enjoy. The idea that this is a human-like object you have sex with that doesn't do anything unless you make it do something was something that held me back from buying a sex doll for a while, actually. So, there are some sexual activities that I avoid just because they do remind me of that experience of abuse as well.

For some people, being with a doll can be somewhat therapeutic, I guess. They use their dolls to roleplay scenarios related to their own experiences of abuse, to take back their agency. I totally understand that, and I respect that. But I don't think I could do that. Still, a sex doll is a good outlet for me because I don't have to explain why I want to do something. With a doll, you can just do what is comfortable and what helps you, sexually, and they won't judge you for that at all.

Is there anything you're still trying to figure out at this point about how you can or should relate to Gwen, on either a physical or an emotional, or a sexual or non-sexual, level? Oh my God, the maintenance. I'm thinking of getting a $200 cleaning kit, because she's 70 pounds and, while I move 50-pound boxes at work all day, getting her into the shower to clean her after sex is still an ordeal. Doll weight is also dead weight; she's not going to help me move her around. And handling 70 pounds of dead weight in the shower can be kinda dangerous.

You have to move dolls everywhere by yourself. Just sitting them on a couch or a bed doesn't seem like it should be a big deal, but it kinda is. You also have to be careful about how you set them up, too, because materials like TPE and silicone attract debris. That bothers me, because I like things nice and clean. Their materials can also compress if you leave them sitting in one position too long. There are so many little things going on with dolls people don't think about.

I'm guessing that those pure mechanical-logistical issues affect sex and intimacy, too? Definitely. I don't really do oral with Gwen, for example, because while human esophaguses go straight down for some reason this doll manufacturer made a channel that goes straight from the back of the mouth up into the back of her head. My dick isn't that big, but when I put it into that channel it still makes her eyes bulge in her head a bit, and that feels uncanny to me. It bothers me. Standing sex isn't an option as well, because she can't move herself or hold onto me.

Does doing maintenance on Gwen make you feel closer to her? Or does it just bring home the fact that she is an inanimate object and decrease your emotional connection to her? I know some guys aren't into the maintenance, but it makes me personally feel closer to her. I've worked as a caregiver, and I'd liken it to that experience of helping someone do something that they can't do themselves. Obviously, it's not the same as caring for a human. But still.

Also, focusing on certain parts of her body during maintenance has helped me recognize some things I'm into that I wasn't aware of. One of Gwen's eyelashes fell off once, and when I was looking into how to replace it, I realized, Oh, I don't like the little ones. I really prefer long eyelashes. And I'm not into foot stuff in general, but I've come to appreciate Gwen's feet. I've gotten really into giving her mani-pedis. I like thinking about options for her, choosing fake nails. Fashion and clothing is something I never thought too much about either because I was depressed for so many years and I didn't give a fuck about my appearance. But thinking about what would look good on Gwen, in general, or with her in a specific wig, and shopping for her, has made me start thinking more about fashion and appearances, to enjoy buying clothes.

How else do you see your relationship with Gwen, sexual or non-, evolving in the future? For the first month or so, most people fuck their dolls three, four times a day, just because they aren't used to having this outlet. It's different for everyone with a doll, but as time goes on, I've become less focused on the sexual aspect. When I get home today, I'm probably going to take her out of storage, put her on the couch, and watch TV with her. I've been thinking about that a lot today.

About the idea of having someone to come home to? Of having that physical presence? Exactly. About just having somebody there.

By signing up, you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy & to receive electronic communications from Vice Media Group, which may include marketing promotions, advertisements and sponsored content.